I'm currently finding myself at a bit of a crossroads regarding how I go about creating content. It's already difficult to put out stuff when you're barraged by time constraints due to work and family and any poor attempts I have at a social life. But things really do get demotivating when you're second-guessing everything you do. I believe I already discussed something along these lines in a past entry, but that's basically where I am right now. And it all became clear to me after finishing this:
This was a comic I made on a whim, out of nothing but the desire to use @erikku90's Orc Queen model (which someone on my Instagram funnily mistook for She-Hulk... Not that it bothers me lol). And I realized something: I FUCKING SUCK AT PLANNING THINGS. Here's a few examples:
CNC Baby 2 is only 10% captured at this point. I looked at my attempted script and realized that a lot of what I wrote, simply does not translate well to a comic page if I work around it that way. I initially worked out a sort of quick story summary draft to help guide me and focus on what I wanted to tell with this story, and it worked great for Issue 1. When I said that I was looking at 12 whole issues for this story, that's where my estimate comes from. There are a lot of things I want to do with this comic, and I know it's going to take a long time to get them done, but at least the guideline is there. However, I stupidly decided I wanted to try and write a script for the comic. That usually works for a lot of people, but it doesn't for me. I need to create the scenes first before I even think of dialogue. I feel my writing flows better that way and I can make more coherent narrative choices, even if I sacrifice consistency for it.
Next in line is Maverick. I originally conceived this as an exploration of Hikaru Ichinose's past as a member of the title organization. The draft I've written so far feels like a cutscene from Metal Gear Solid 4... Those from the end that last over an hour that explain everything, and I'm not sure that's an interesting route to go unless you guys give me feedback. Do you like long and winded text with a few images to go through? Or what direction should I take with this? I have a few moments from the comic in development that are action-packed (both literally and figuratively *wink wink*), but the truth is, I'm struggling.
And that's when the moment of realization came: I just don't know how to write a serious story. I am incapable of producing something meant to be an extended work that flows dynamically and keeps people's attention. But to be fair, up until this point, I haven't really gotten people's attention... I hate that I have to second-guess my ambitions.
But one thing that came out of this, is that I am good, or at least I think I am, at writing silly shit. Like the new comic, that one was just dumb! But I had a laugh with it, and others are having a laugh with it! So here I stand at the precipice of choice. I am going to continue with these two big projects and try to tackle them, but I have to do it in a way that makes sense to ME. I do want to touch dark topics, I do want to have an outlet for the dark thoughts within me and of the world. But the funny stuff is just too damn funny too, and I certainly don't want to be a tragedy-based author. I want my work to have a good balance of both things. Which leads me to two works that I posted here and that, of course, haven't received enough traction:
Sex Tales 5 and Therapy Part 1 have been a delight to go back and revisit. I don't know if they are good enough pieces of narrative, but I loved that I was inspired to tell those stories. Sex Tales 5 does have a huge gap in terms of time and story, since none of the previous ST comics had any connecting threads to them save for 3 and 4. But I had an idea after meeting another TK17 user on Instagram of all places, with whom I discussed the idea of combining our characters together for a story in a visual novel format. The problem is that he seems to have gone AWOL and I can't find him anywhere. I could just create lookalikes for the story and I don't think anyone gives enough of a shit if I retcon names mentioned in previous comics... But again, it is a long and winded script I was working which only ever got to the end of Episode 1, not developing enough in Episode 2. For a long time, @Morius has been begging for me to tell that story, but... I just don't know how. I'll explain that in a future entry.
However, regarding those comics specifically... The flow of the narrative in both has enough elements of comedy and drama that I think balance each other so well, and not only making them, but reading them was FUN. I revisited them today and I had so much fun reading them both. For those curious, ST5 is the story of Marco Torres, aka Trapp (not a self-insert lol) coming to terms with recovering some sense of normalcy after having gone through not one, but two devastating events that radically changed his life and is now learning to rely more on others and letting go of his grievances. While Therapy Part 1 is about Erina Serebrova and Misha Kovalenko in a bit of a lover's quarrel regarding inviting a third person to their bed, with Misha's trauma and experiences being the fuel for her misandrist attitudes, which I always wanted to cover again after that.
I didn't remember how meaningful those two comics are to me, and how much fun it is to revisit them for inspiration. So, even though action is not really my strong suit, I do want to add elements of those two comics, both in the upcoming CNC Baby 2 and in Maverick. How things will turn out, I can't say. But I'll make damn sure I have fun with them. Because if I don't, then what's the fucking point?
To close up, I leave you with this image. This leads to a very spicy moment in Maverick, but it shows two friends relaxing and coping with the life they're living. They're both tragic characters at heart at this point, but even in the face of that, levity is required so that things don't get too depressing after a while, or better yet; levity allows the dramatic impacts to hit even harder, and vice versa. I hope I'm right about what I want to achieve with these stories, and I hope you join me for the ride.